


Call Me D-4-N

by Do_it_with_the_Howell_Lesters



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abduction, Alien!Dan, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Oneshot, Phil Lester/Dan Howell - Freeform, Strangers to Lovers, human!Phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-03 01:12:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15808302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Do_it_with_the_Howell_Lesters/pseuds/Do_it_with_the_Howell_Lesters
Summary: Phil gets abducted by alien!dan





	Call Me D-4-N

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoy this quick little fic I threw together :)

Phil sat up, rubbing his head and glancing down at his familiar sheets with a yawn. He felt like he’d hardly slept at all, groggy and a little nauseous. After crawling out of bed, he padded across the carpet to the door and opened it to his little ensuite bathroom, going about his business with blurry eyes, still half asleep. He leaned over the sink, splashing water over his face and looking in the mirror. After adjusting his fringe and sliding on his glasses, he turned and walking back to his room to change. 

He first realised something was wrong when his shirts were so neatly folded in the drawer. He frowned, taking the top one and pulling it on, closing the drawer curiously. He turned back to his bedside table, huh, his phone wasn’t on charge. He must have left it in the front room. He made his way to the door, pulling at the handle. But it didn’t budge. He stared at it, then tried again. Nothing.

He stepped back, rubbing his eyes, then grabbed the handle and yanked on it with all his strength but it didn’t shift at all. “What the heck?” He murmured, brow furrowing. He took a few steps back, turned his body to the side, and ran at the door, slamming into it with all his weight. “Ow!” He fell back, clutching his arm, that was solid metal! His door wasn’t metal, it was wood! Was he going mad? 

Suddenly there was a hiss and his door was lowering into the floor. He watched it slide down, eyes finally catching the bottom of a long black cloak. His eyes trailed up, mouth falling open as he took in the thing in front of him. 

“Running into the door is not recommended.” The voice was level, robotic and mimicked his own as much as it what you’d expect from a Londoner. But Phil suspected he wasn’t from London. He scrambled to his feet, staring rudely. 

The thing didn’t look particularly concerned, it’s big black eyes meeting Phil’s. “Hello. I am to be your carer. You may call me D-4-N in your alphabet.” 

A laugh bubbled past his lips, “I knew it! I flipping knew it! Suck it, Martyn!” The thing, D-4-N, looked startled, leaning back, it’s almost opaque, faintly grey skin showed an expression akin to confusion. It almost distracted Phil. Through the things head, he could see his bookshelf as if looking through water. 

Phil calmed his excitement, registering that maybe he should be a bit worried. “I’m Phil.” He blurted, holding out a hand, “Nice to meet you!” D-4-N stared at the appendage, writing something on a tablet. “What is nice?” 

Phil lowered it after releasing the alien wasn’t going to take it, “What’s what?” 

 

“Nice. What is nice?” 

 

“To meet you! It means I’m happy to meet you.” 

 

D-4-N looked even more confused, “What is happy?” 

Phil was thrown, “It’s a feeling, like… sunshine on your skin! Or the taste of ice cream! Or a puppy’s soft fur, or a warm hug! It’s like your chest is all warm and you just want to smile.”

D-4-N was scribbling again, trying to keep up with Phil’s words. “Thank you, Phil. I will be back for more data when I come to feed you.” He turned to go and Phil stepped forward, “Wait- Don’t go!” D-4-N ignored him, and the door slid shut, leaving Phil staring at it in disbelief.

\-------------

It turns out that everything in Phil’s room was an almost perfect replica of his real room, so at least he could read the long, boring hours away until the door slid open again. He sat up, dropping his copy of Ready, Player One and hopping to his feet. The alien, D-4-N came back in, carrying a black metallic tray with various foods and a cup. He placed it on Phil’s bedside table. “We understand this is how humans create energy.” He stepped back, “It is not terribly efficient.”

“Rude,” Phil commented with a smile, but he was starving so made quick work of the (terrible) sandwich. “Needs more butter.” He commented. D-4-N wrote that down. “So.” He said around a mouthful of food, “Am I your guinea pig?” D-4-N looked confused, “No. The guinea pig is kept in cell 2330.” 

Phil paused his chewing. “So, how many animals you do you have?” D-4-N didn’t answer him, so Phil shrugged, “What I meant was, are you studying me?” 

D-4-N nodded, still writing, “Yes. My job is to make notes on your behaviour.” Phil set the tray down, “Why me?” 

“We have examples of many variations in the human race. You are our male subject #2.” 

 

Phil sat on the bed. “So how do I vary from the first man?” 

D-4-N looked up from his tablet, “Different mating habit.”

“What?!”

“Male #1 mates with females, you mate with both males and females of your species.” D-4-N stepped forward. “I will be observing, and asking questions. Please cooperate and we will not have to condition you.” It seemed the alien was done with questioning for today. 

 

\-----------

 

Phil found very quickly that D-4-N (Phil referred to him as Dan in his head now) had very little concept of emotions whatsoever. They understood language, and science and basically everything else. They had read a lot of human literature but were apparently still studying, starting their work on the human internet. Phil had jokingly warned them that it was dangerous and had to explain quickly that he hadn't meant it seriously. Thankfully Dan understood the concept of a joke from the many books they had read.

Despite being questioned for weeks, Phil didn’t really know much about Dan, other than that they were basically a student doing their masters in the human race, on internship. They had been assigned to him and would be with him until Phil’s mind was wiped and he was returned to his normal everyday life. 

Phil was somewhat relieved when he found out he would be surviving this encounter if upset he wouldn’t get to remember. It made him a little braver, to start asking his own questions. It turns out Dan was a bit of a pushover. 

Phil was sat on his bed when he learnt the most fascinating fact yet, “You can change your appearance?” He stared, jaw falling. Dan looked up from their notes, “It is a survival technique. I can change into something you fear or something you desire. It allows us to not fall to harm, and to blend in with humanity when we visit.” Phil moved forward excitedly, “Can you change now? I want to see!” Dan looked a little affronted, even embarrassed at Phil’s enthusiasm. “I am not in any danger.” 

“For fun!” 

Dan had been slowly coming to understand the basics behind human emotion, associated mainly with the bodily reactions it caused and its evolutionary advantage. They found fun, in particular, a ridiculous concept, it seemed pointless. But they were trying to understand. So, clearly deciding they didn’t want to scare the subject, they let their mind invade Phil’s and reshaped their physical form to suit.

Phil's eyes widened, as a man was shaped before him, around his height and slender. Pretty facial features, honey brown eyes and curly brown hair. He still wore the black robe, eyes focused on Phil and noting down his reaction. 

Phil swallowed, it wasn’t every day the physical manifestation of your desire appeared in front of you, “What are you writing?” 

Dan looked over his tablet, “Human subject shows instant signs of arousal, pupils dilate, skin flushed and blood flowing to the-” 

“Okay!” Phil interrupted loudly and Dan went back to his writing. Phil leaned back, “Do you like it? This form?” Dan looked confused, “It is functional.” 

“But do you enjoy wearing it?” Dan looked very confused, “It’s… nice?” He tried using a word Phil had taught him before, a little shocked at the sudden grin on Phil’s face. “I’m glad you like it!” 

“Do you prefer it?” Dan asked, curious, but not writing as if this was a question of his own rather then the study. Phil shrugged, “Of course, but it’s your body so it doesn’t matter what I think.” Dan seemed to consider before standing, making to leave. 

“See you later Dan!” He waved, the alien hesitated, then waved back as he walked out of the room.

\---------

“Can you explain memes to me?” Dan sat, on the end of Phil’s bed, in the human form he took up whenever he was around Phil. “I’ve been studying them but I just can’t grasp what they mean, they make no logical sense.” 

Phil was giggling, “Dan, that’s the point, their just funny!” Dan scowled at his tablet, “But why would you want something that makes no sense!” Phil leaned forward, “They’re like an in-joke between the internet community, it only makes sense in their context so no one else can understand.” Dan wrote that down. “I shall do more research.” 

Phil laid back, “So what other things do you need me to explain today?” Dan seemed to flick through, “The concept of friendship. I want to understand from a human perspective. I know why it makes sense in evolution, but why do you think you make friends?” 

Phil seemed to consider. “They’re someone you can have fun with.” 

“Fun, as in laughter and endorphins?” Phil sat up, “Kind of, you know what? Let’s play something! I want to show you fun! It’s easier than explaining it.” Dan looked hesitant, “Okay?”

 

Phil jumped off the bed and went to his shelves, pulling out a board game. He took it to the bed and set it up as Dan watched intently. “Okay! Here’s the rulebook.” He handed it to Dan to read and he did quickly. “What is the purpose of this? What do you get if you win?” 

“Bragging rights,” Phil grinned.

It turns out Dan was a very competitive alien and got into the game very seriously. But for the first time, as Phil teased him about his loss, a smile cracked over his face and he gasped, leaning over to grab his tablet and writing quickly. Phil packed up the game, “What are you writing?” 

“Fun! What it feels like.” He looked up at Phil's eyes excited, “Thank you for showing me!” Phil blinked, then grinned widely, “You’re welcome.” Dan stood, making to leave then stopped. “I had fun with you, so are we friends?” He looked back at him curiously, Phil felt his grin widen, “Yeah, I think so.” 

\-------

Phil woke up to a loud commotion outside the door to his cell, rubbing his eyes as the sheets fell from his bare torso. He couldn’t understand, it wasn’t in any language he had any hope of comprehending, but he stared as the door opened and Dan stormed in, whirling on the other alien in the doorway and saying something in a cold voice before the door to Phil’s cell slammed shut. 

“Dan?” The alien looked at him, eyes wide. “Oh, Phil, sorry for waking you.” His cheeks were tinted pink, and he didn’t quite meet Phil’s eyes and he walked into the room. 

Phil smiled, “No problem! Have a question for me?” Dan stopped, then shook his head, “I just- I was worried you were lonely.” A lie, Phil could tell and it surprised him, Dan hadn’t even known what lying was until a few weeks ago. “Um, do you want to play a game then?” Dan nodded quickly, “Yes, if you’d like.” 

Phil let the alien hop onto his bed and passed him one of the controllers for his switch, after asking Dan had managed to ensure the thing would get power so Phil could use it. 

Dan cheered up as they had a Mario Kart match, he was way too good, beating Phil every time. He groaned as he lost again, the forfeit was to answer an embarrassing question about themselves and Phil already did that too much. “All or nothing!” 

Dan looked at him with confused amusement, “What?” 

“Next winner takes the game!” Phil grinned, holding out his hand to shake. Dan looked at it, “Why would I do that?” 

“Because it’s fun!” The alien didn’t look convinced. “And because you love me!” Now he looked really confused. 

“Okay?” 

 

“Yes!” They played, but Dan seemed distracted, thinking too much and allowing Phil to speed ahead. “Woooo! I won!” Dan looked up, “Huh? Oh.” He blinked, “I lost.” 

“Yeah, you did! Suck it!” Phil giggled and the creature gave him that look he used whenever the human was being endearing.

“So what’s your question then.” 

Phil seemed to consider, “What were you and the other alien arguing about when you came it?” Dan looked surprised at the question, then embarrassed, “Not that one.” 

 

“Nope! You promised,” Phil pouted. Dan pulled the arms of his robes over his hands, a nervous tick Phil had noticed. 

“A-5-Y thinks… I’m getting attached to you.” That Phil wasn't expecting. There was a long moment of silence. “Are you?” He asked hesitantly. The alien looked conflicted, “You were only allowed one question. Now I have one. For research.” 

Phil sighed, but nodded, “Go on then.” 

“What is love?” 

“Love?” Phil’s face softened, “Love is unexplainable.” Dan rolled his eyes, “I don’t want your poetry.” Phil chuckled, the alien was coming to know him too well. He sat back and thought, really thought about it.

“Love can be lots of things. I love my family, I trust them, they understand me, I can tell them anything.” He smiled, “We laugh together, I grew up with them.” Dan was writing his every word. “However, that’s only one type of love. I used to love someone else once, he was mine and I was his. We were always together, I felt safe around him, we trusted each other, we had so much fun together. Being around him made me all warm and squirmy inside, he was the most important thing in my life at the time, nothing could compare.” His eyes were sad, “That love died off eventually, but one day I’ll find one which will never die. And I’ll love them forever. We’ll have a family together, adopt or have kids.” Phil looked back at Dan to find the alien had stopped writing and was just listening. Phil chuckled, “Sorry, did I get too poetic again?” 

Dan shook his head, “No.” 

“Okay. Anything else you want to ask?” Dan didn’t reply, seemingly lost in his own head again. There was a flash of emotion across Dan’s face Phil didn’t quite catch, but in an instant, it was gone.

“I should go.” He climbed off the bed and made for the door, turning to wave as he left. “Bye Phil.” 

\------

Dan didn’t come back for over a week. Phil was worried since the first time a strange alien came to give him his food. He paced his room, trying to distract himself from his buzzing thoughts. Did he do something wrong? Was Dan in trouble? He missed him, he’d come so far since they first met in understanding humans. 

When he did come back, Phil was laying on his bed, reading a book. He glanced up at the door as it opened, expecting food but sitting up when he saw Dan stood there, not meeting his gaze. 

“Dan! Hey! Where have you been? I was worried about you! I missed you!” He hopped up and rushed to the alien who looked startled by the reaction. “Missed me?” 

“Of course I have! You just disappeared for so long, I thought you were fired or something!” He rushed in and pulled the shocked alien into a tight hug. Dan stuttered, but relaxed after a moment, carefully mimicking Phil’s actions. “No, I was given a suspension.” Phil pulled back, frowning, “Suspension? Why?” Dan shook his head, “It doesn't matter. But I have to ask you research stuff or I’ll get in trouble again.” 

Phil stepped back, sitting heavily on the bed, “Sure! Of course! Ask anything!” Dan didn’t sit down, staying stiff. “It’s a bit invasive, I’m sorry.” 

Phil chuckled, “Unlike any of your others? Or your constant surveillance of me using the bathroom?” 

“It’s about your, uh, mating habits.” He looked apologetic, shrugging lightly, “I was avoiding it because you looked so embarrassed whenever I brought it up.”

Phil’s cheeks tinted pink, “Oh! Oh okay. Is that why you got in trouble?” Dan did another half shrug, “Partially.” 

“Go on then, embarrass me.” He said playfully, leaning back on the bed.

 

Dan scrolled up on his little tablet, “I understand the mechanics of the whole thing, but why is it that humans do it without aiming to reproduce? They have methods designed to actually stop it from working, why?”

 

Phil raised an eyebrow, “Because it feels good, and it makes you feel close to your partner.” Dan noted that down, “What do you mean it feels good?” 

Phil hummed, thinking of a way to explain. “It feels nice to your body, and it builds up and up until you get this wonderful release.”

“I don’t really understand.”

Phil gave a cheeky smile, “Maybe I’ll just have to show you.” Apparently, Dan didn’t pick up on his amusement, “Yes please.” 

Phil’s cheeks heated up, “I was kidding!” He squeaked, sitting up in time to catch the smirk on Dan’s face. 

“Oh, you cheeky shit.” Phil laughed, as Dan giggled from across the room. “I should never have told you about humour.”

 

“You love me,” Dan said with a sideways grin, Phil shook his head with a grin. “Yeah, I do.” 

Dan seemed pleased, “So you wouldn’t want to then?” His voice was teasing as he crossed the room, standing a little closer to Phil. Phil met his pretty eyes and swallowed, “Want to what?”

“Have sex with me? For research.” 

Phil stared at Dan, the alien looked like everything that Phil would ever want physically in a partner, a big part of him screamed to take the alien up on his rather forward offer. But he couldn’t do that, not now.

“Sorry, Dan but I’d prefer we didn’t.” The alien looked confused, then a little hurt. “Did I get it wrong?” He looked down at his form, then up at Phil, trying to re-evaluate what Phil wanted, but came back with the same. 

 

“Oh, no! You look so good! Really!” 

“Then… why don’t you want to have sex with me?” 

Phil sighed, “Because I can’t do casual sex, I’ve always been bad at it. It’s like a personal rule, I only want to have sex with people I love.” 

Suddenly, Dan looked upset. “But… earlier you said you did love me.” 

Phil sat up, “I do! As my friend, it’s like… a term of endearment.” Dan seemed to understand, but if anything it made him more distressed, “Oh. Okay. I’m going to go now.” He turned and quickly headed towards the door. Phil jumped to his feet, “Dan? What’s wrong? Hey, wait!” He rushed forward and grabbed Dan’s arm. The alien spun around in surprise, and shock crossed Phil’s face when he saw wetness in his eyes. 

“I- what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Dan ran a hand over his eyes, blinking in confusion. “This is crying?” He asked, voice wobbling. Phil was still holding his wrist, “Yeah, I’m so sorry, what’s wrong?” 

 

Dan attempted to pull away again, “Nothing.” He mumbled. Phil shook his head, “You’re lying.” Dan glared at him, anger flashing through his eyes, “I thought you liked me, I thought something was… it doesn’t matter.”

Understanding dawned on Phil’s face, “Oh you-” Phil’s face lit up, “You like me?” He was grinning suddenly. Dan didn’t meet his eyes, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to.” Phil took hold of Dan’s face from either side, “Don’t be sorry.”

Dan met his eyes and Phil watched as they dilated, staring at him with a cocktail of emotions as Phil leaned in, “Can I kiss you?”

Dan nodded, “A sign of affection, right?” He asked under his breath. Phil nodded, closing the gap between them and kissing him sweetly. He pulled away when he needed to breathe. “What do you think?”

Dan was staring at him, eyes sparkling, “I- need to make a few notes but I’m pretty sure I need to experience it more before I have a well-rounded understanding of what kissing entai-” Phil caught his lips again before he could finish.

\-----

Phil brushed a strand of hair out of Dan’s eyes, smiling down at him as he stared up in wonderment. “I understand now.” He met Phil’s eyes, smiling widely, “Why humans have sex all the time.” Phil hummed, “So you liked it?” He leaned over him, pressing lazy kisses to hot skin, eyes trailing down the wonderfully naked figure in his bed. 

“I loved it.” Dan said cheekily, one hand coming up to comb through Phil’s hair, “I have so many notes to make.” 

Phil threw back his head and laughed, “I want to read them, see what mean things you say about me.” Dan giggled, eyes sparkling, “Only a few mean things.”

Phil pouted, tickling Dan’s sides until he was laughing uncontrollably as Phil rolled them, pulling Dan into his lap. Phil’s eyes were soft as he watched Dan calm down, pulling him in for a sweet kiss. “My alien.” 

Dan giggled, nuzzling into him, “My human.”

\--------

Dan was acting weirdly today. The alien kept denying it, but he was quiet and clinging tightly to Phil at every given opportunity. Not that Phil was complaining, but it was worrying. Was something wrong? 

“Dan? Honey as much as I love you kissing the life out of me every five minutes, are you okay?” Dan tensed up, “Everything is fine, perfect, I just love you.” Phil smiled, “If you’re sure, and I love you too.” 

There was a moment of silence then Phil felt his shirt dampen at the shoulder and he sat Dan up, surprised to find him crying quietly. “Dan! Dan what’s wrong, oh honey come here.” He pulled him into a tight hug, rocking them softly as the alien buried his face In Phil’s neck. “I don’t want to leave.” 

Phil froze, “Leave? What do you mean?” Dan looked up, “My research, it’s complete. I’ve run out of time.” Phil swallowed, “You’re going home?” He asked weakly, head swimming. Oh. Sometimes he forgot that this wasn’t exactly a normal relationship. They weren’t even the same species. 

“I don’t want to go,” Dan whispered, holding him close. Phil squeezed him, “Can’t you just work here full time? You’ve done such a good job I’m sure they’d take you.” 

“Even if they did it wouldn’t matter.” 

Phil frowned, “Why?” Dan bit his lip, “You’re being sent home.” 

Phil went through a tirade of emotions, home? He could see his parents! His friends! He knew he’d been gone for almost a year at this point, they must be so worried about him. But the excitement passed as he remembered something Dan told him. “But… what about all this, you, my time here. I won’t know? That this happened?” 

Dan shook his head sadly, “No.” 

“Can’t- Can’t I at least get to remember you?” 

Dan curled into his chest, “I’m sorry, they’d just say you’d tell people about us.” 

“I wouldn’t! I promise I wouldn’t, I just want to remember you!” Dan held him tight, “I know, I’m sorry.” 

\------

Phil woke with a start as he was shaken out of his sleep, sitting up suddenly. “Huh? Wha-” A hand was clamped over his mouth as he locked eyes with familiar deep brown. “Dan?” His voice was muffled in his palm. “Shh, get dressed quickly.” He let go of his mouth but brought a finger to his own. 

Phil kept his mouth shut, dressing quickly, then watching as Dan typed something into a little box he was holding. Dan gestured to the door and Phil obediently went to stand there whilst Dan set the box on the bed. Suddenly there was a flash of light from the box, and a perfect replica of Phil, sleeping peacefully, formed above it. Dan smiled, pleased with himself, then hurried to the door, opening it and pulling a shocked looking Phil into the hallway. They said nothing, Phil letting Dan pull him until they stopped outside another door and Dan swiped something to open it. They ran into what Phil thought must be a hanger. But none of the vehicles were unlike anything Phil had ever seen. 

“Come on, we have to be quick. We need a head start.” Phil was staring wide-eyed as Dan dragged him to a small, sphere shape which looked like a ball of shiny metal. Dan touched it and the metal parted for him like liquid. He climbed in, “Come on!”

Phil climbed in, still exceedingly confused, “Are we escaping? Is that what’s happening right now?” Dan gave a small smile, “You’re escaping. That way you get to remember.” Phil stared as Dan typed something into the controls of the small ship. He caught his wrist. 

“Come with me.” 

“What?”

“Run away with me, live with me, you can blend in! We can go do all those things I told you about! We can get a dog, lay in the sun and swim in a lake!” Dan’s eyes widened, “You- really?”

“Yes! Yes.” 

Dan stared down into his lap, his family was back home. If he did this he’d never see them again, but if he didn’t, he’d never see Phil again. 

He closed the door, a grin spreading across his face, “Can I choose the breed?” Phil squealed, picking him up and swinging him around in the small space. “Yes! You can, of course, you can! Oh, my mum is going to love you! And we can have a little house far away from the city so they won't find us!”

Dan laughed with him, “We have to escape first, let me drive.” Phil let him go, sheepish. “Sorry, I’m just excited!” Dan smiled softly, kissing Phil, eyes sparkling. He sat down and guided the pod out of the bay, it was so small no one even noticed him leave at such a late hour.

Phil’s eyes grew wide as they flew out into the darkness of space, his view filled with the most beautiful view of his home he could ever hope to get. Dan smiled at his awe. “Your planet is very beautiful.” 

“Our planet.” 

Dan gave a tiny smile, cheeks red, “Our planet.”

**Author's Note:**

> Written by do-it-with-dan  
> Thanks howell-lesters for being an amazing beta at such short notice!  
> I'd love to hear your feedback! Find us on tumblr- do-it-with-the-howell-lesters


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